Stranger than fiction

Rats.

2011-10-05T03:59:00.003-06:00

Newsrooms are, in my experience, home to some of the strangest conversations on the planet. Case in point: this gem from the Associated Press which spurred a half-hour, on-and-0ff debate about what constitutes animal cruelty and where to draw that line.

Do we prosecute frat boys for eating dozens of live goldfish? What if I just like my steak very rare (yes, for the record I do want it to moo) and shouldn't we just prosecute this rat-munching lameo simply for being stupid enough to post a video of his 'achievement?'

Enjoy:
Utah rat eater has animal cruelty charge dismissed
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — A Utah man who is no longer facing charges for eating a live baby rat says the act was grotesque, but shouldn’t be considered as animal cruelty.
Prosecutors charged Andy Ray Harris with animal cruelty in April, after authorities viewed a posted Facebook video of him eating what appeared to be the baby rat. The 31-year-old Tooele man says he ate the rat on a dare.
Prosecutors argued the baby rat deserved protections because it wasn’t wild and it was killed in a way that is not an accepted fashion.
Harris says it was not animal cruelty because the rat was going to be eaten by a snake. He also says rats don’t have legal protections because they are pests.

Proud day in NM politics

2011-09-28T05:23:00.002-06:00

I usually don't dip my toes into the political realm of odd news. But the latest dust-up out of Sunland Park needs a little light shed.

Today, Sun-News reporter Reyes Mata III has an excellent set of reports on the apparent inability of the elected officials, including the mayor and council, to behave above a third-grade level during public meetings. It's simply not how we expect our leaders (public employees) to behave.

Here's a link to the whole, ugly mess that unfolded Monday night and into Tuesday, with a call for the state to take over the municipality and police stepping in to calm the situation.

http://www.lcsun-news.com/las_cruces-news/ci_18992730

Click the main story and look for 'related content' to see the rest of the mess.

Stay classy, NM politicos. Stay classy.

Who knew?

2011-09-21T06:26:00.002-06:00

Who knew?

According to this British report, us Yanks were working on a plan to kick them out of Canada back in the 1930s. Apparently, they owed us some dough for the war and the folks at home were very grumpy. I'm glad we all got over that one!

Here's the dish from the Daily Mail.

"In 1930, a mere nine years before the outbreak of World War Two, America drew up proposals specifically aimed at eliminating all British land forces in Canada and the North Atlantic, thus destroying Britain's trading ability and bringing the country to its knees."

FDR put the smack-down on the plan as well as other domestic and foreign scenarios.

Read more:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2039453/How-America-planned-destroy-BRITAIN-1930-bombing-raids-chemical-weapons.html#ixzz1YadXFK6F"Code Plan Red
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2039453/How-America-planned-destroy-BRITAIN-1930-bombing-raids-chemical-weapons.html

Can I get extra Arby-sauce with my Monet?

2011-09-15T06:20:00.002-06:00

Two Tennessee women are charged with stealing two pieces of 'artwork' from an Arby's restaurant. Johnson City Press reports "a picture of pears in a wooden frame and a piece of metal wall art installed during remodeling" of the sammich-shop were valued at $1,200.

You have got to be kidding me. No wonder my 'tater-cakes-with-horsey-sauce cost me $12.95 yesterday.

Read more: http://www.johnsoncitypress.com/News/article.php?id=94294#ixzz1Y1VQl0Nn

Fair fare

2011-09-07T06:08:00.004-06:00

You know I've got a weakness for fair food -- anything deep fried, on a stick, eat-between-the-barn-and-midway dining at it's finest.

Here's the latest entries from my carny-cook friends in the Lone Star State. Belly up for fried bubblegum, fried salsa, and buffalo chicken flapjacks.

God bless Texas.

http://www.pegasusnews.com/news/2011/sep/05/state-fair-texas-fried-foods-awards-2011-winners/

Dude abides.

2011-09-06T18:03:00.002-06:00

I never knew tortoises wore spurs, but this is Las Cruces. Here's a happy ending to a missing critter story. Possibly the best slow-speed chase we've had a chance to report on lately. Enjoy, at your leisure.
http://www.lcsun-news.com/ci_18834233

Due for services rendered

2011-09-02T15:34:00.002-06:00

We get a fair amount of crazy reports here in humble Las Cruces. Here's a beaut.

A woman is refusing to pay the hospital for a police-ordered, um, body cavity search. She remains unnamed because she was never charged. Her lawyer wants the county to wipe out the bill.

http://www.lcsun-news.com/las_cruces-news/ci_18814590

At least the goat pooped before getting into the cop car

2011-08-23T18:25:00.005-06:00

It's been a while since I've shared a chuckle. But, I just found this gem that brought a much-needed belly-laugh. It feels a little wrong to post it right after a tribute to Lucille Ball, but I think she'd get a kick out of it.

According to MSNBC, Portland police butted into a kidnapping and kept the crooks from getting someone's goat. The goat-grabbers got away, but the kid's all good.

Bonus quotes:
"We come out and there's one guy inside the fence handing over this little goat right here to two other men on the other side of the fence."

And:
"They're like 'oh, we're just gonna take it to a party - we'll bring it back by the morning' and we're just like, 'no you aren't.'"

Don't worry, the goat used the dime from her nanny to call the cops. She's no longer on the lam.

Believe it or don't. Read to the bottom line of the story for the punchline.

Here's the linky-thing: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44243081/ns/local_news-portland_or/

Enjoy.

You got some 'splainin' to do!

2011-08-05T06:40:00.002-06:00

The late, great Lucille Ball would have turned 100 Saturday. I know this isn't odd news, but we at "Stranger Than Fiction" think it's a good time to pay tribute to one of the great talents of our time.

From the Vitameatavegimin foibles to the cow in the boiler and hawking beef out of a baby carriage, she defined physical comedy and wore it with grace - on and off the screen.

So, here is a collection of previously unpublished photos of Lucy, courtesy of life.com.

http://www.life.com/gallery/62521/lucille-ball-unpublished-photos

Thanks for the laughs, Red.

Chupacabras suck

2011-07-21T06:39:00.003-06:00

Here's one from (and for) my South Texas friends - A sharpshooting teen spotted and dropped a critter he thinks is the infamous goat-sucker (Chupacabra to you cryptozoologists). I'll wait for NCIS's Abby Shuto to solve this case.

http://www.lcsun-news.com/las_cruces-news/ci_18517340

We're losing the bacon war

2011-07-20T06:06:00.003-06:00

China is tapping their strategic pork reserve to prevent prices from going hog-wild. Forget Big Oil, we must stockpile bacon.

Read more about this national threat as reported by The Wall Street Journal - http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304203304576447014217449574.html

2011-07-19T06:32:00.004-06:00

Well, we've confirmed the desert heat has hit at least a couple of folks in Southern New Mexico. Failed ninjas and nekkid burglars - what reporter could ask for more?

Last week, we were treated to the exploits of a ninja dork in South County. I know some folks are skinny. But, trying to hide behind a 2-inch sapling speaks poorly of your ninja skills.

http://www.lcsun-news.com/ci_18467110?IADID=Search-www.lcsun-news.com-www.lcsun-news.com

Or, you could burgle an apartment at 9 a.m. -- in the nude. At least the victim (who got an eyeful -- and a great dinner story to tell later) offered a set of boxer shorts to the perp before trying to get him out of the house.

http://www.lcsun-news.com/ci_18501382?source=most_viewed

shampoo siblings

2011-07-16T07:12:00.002-06:00

The next time you want to fling shampoo at your brother, consider the fate of Jonathan Pippert, who is facing up to two years in jail due to prior convictions and Jared Pippert, who is facing up to 90 days.

And, if you are 27 and 32 years old, you should probably have moved out of Mom's house by now.

Read more from UPI.com http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2011/06/15/Shampoo-fight-lands-brothers-in-jail/UPI-21411308123000/#ixzz1SH2KQPAt

This food isn't fair

2011-07-12T19:10:00.002-06:00

I love fair-food. Deep fried, on a stick, eaten off a greasy paper plate that just can't hold it's Crisco.

Now, I've been bested. This is one gut-bomb I wouldn't risk under the best of circumstances, much less before jumping on a rollercoaster.

Please note, this is not for the weak of stomach or faint of heart.

It's a maggot sammich.

The Sacramento Bee reports that's the latest midway munchy at this year's California State Fair.

I'll stick to roasted corn and a brat, thanks.

More here: http://www.sacbee.com/2011/07/08/3752359/big-deals-and-big-bugs-at-state.html

Hollyweird

2011-07-11T18:00:00.003-06:00

Dear John Travolta and Tom Cruise,
You are hereby ordered to "unfriend" Placido Domingo Jr. because he's no longer part of the chosen ones.
That is all.
L. Ron Hubbard

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2013433/Placido-Domingo-Jr-targeted-Scientologists-abandons-cult-favour-ex-wife.html

Please ignore the bunny

2011-07-08T06:31:00.002-06:00

We get our fair share of odd crimes in Las Cruces.

I'd usually bring you your "Stranger Than Fiction" update with stories from the world at large, or at least out-of-state.

Much like this tale of an Indiana man who, at the direction of a bunny rabbit and other nefarious characters, sprayed lighter fluid in a store after the pharmacy wouldn't fill his 'script without him paying for it.

Go figure.

Read this gem at http://www.14wfie.com/story/15033754/epd?clienttype=printable and enjoy.

Wait! There's more!

I mentioned we've got our special brand of odd in Las Cruces. Check out the latest in our infamous nipple-ripping case.

Yes, you read that right. Sorry about that.

A family feud went awry (yes, alcohol was involved) in December, 2010, when a mother-in-law and her son's wife engaged in a tussle which ended with a nipple falling to the floor.

Awkward.

The cringe-inducing story came to an end this week with a probationary sentence for mother-in-law.

"It's still family" said the judge.

Titilating story can be seen at http://www.lcsun-news.com/ci_18411751?source=most_viewed

Puppy poop power

2011-07-07T12:36:00.003-06:00

OK, I'm all for alternative energy sources. I'm also opposed to stepping on piles of dog poo when I go for my morning walks around the 'hood. This could be a solution that I could support on two levels. The Arizona Republic, via the Associated Press, says the doggy-doo could be magically mulched and the methane gas used as a power source.
So far, they only plan to power one street light.
Hey, it beats scraping off my shoes every morning.

2011-06-20T17:23:00.002-06:00

Try explaining this at the body shop…

The Associated Press reports an investigation into a fatal hit-and-run in Mesa, Ariz. is missing a crucial piece of evidence.

The accident left one man in critical condition, another dead. When officers arrived to investigate, the man who was killed was missing a leg.

Police say the leg may have been imbedded in the vehicle or disposed of by the driver who killed the man and fled.

Deep-fried heaven

2011-06-20T06:12:00.002-06:00

Those of you who know me know I have an unhealthy love of all things deep-fried. Especially if it can be put on a stick at a state fair. So, you won't be surprised that the latest sizzling treat I've found is deep-fried kool aid. Yes, kool aid.

This is not your dad's funnel cake, for sure.

I've written stories on every permutation of 'fried food on a stick' you can imagine - Oreos, Snickers, the regular run of meat products, even a cheesecake, skewered and dipped in sizzling fat. I offer no apologies, have
no regrets.

But this one may take the cake, so to speak.

The San Diego Tribune is touting this fat-fried sugar ball as one of the highlights at the San Diego County Fair, where one vendor sold 400 to 600 orders of deep-fried Kool-Aid per day the first weekend of the fair.
That's about double the rate of previous debut items.

"That's because it tastes so darn good," the vendor said of the gooy red snack, which looks like a technicolor doughnut hole.

Hey, Kool-Aid!! Who can argue with that?

Check out the full story here:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/2011/jun/14/fried-kool-aid-hit-fair-chicken-charlie-says/

2011-06-05T08:31:00.002-06:00

Here's a 'balloon boy' story that will lift your spirits.
Bobby Bradley has become the youngest pilot to solo in a hot-air balloon. And, of course, he did it in New Mexico, home to the heart of ballooning worldwide.
ABC news and the Associated press report the 9-year-old lifted off as the sun rose over the Land of Enchantment for a 26 minute float and a ride of his young lifetime. Bouncing off in Tome, near Albuquerque, he had three other balloons flying tandem, just to keep an eye out. His (apparently confident, but ever-cautious) parents told the press Bobby had only 10 gallons of fuel aboard, limiting the distance of his travel.
Read the full story (with a great photo of a safely-landed, very happy young pilot) here: http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/balloon-boy-bobby-bradley-flies-heights-mexico/story?id=1376067

When fish fight back

2011-05-31T14:11:00.002-06:00

The Associated Press is reporting a 25-year-old woman's leg was broken when a 6-foot-long sturgeon jumped into her airboat while on a Florid River.
The Sunday accident was the fifth report of a person injured by a jumping fish this year, according to Florida Fish and Wildlive Conservation Commission officials, the AP reported.
Makes me think twice about the fillet-o-fish sandwich I had for lunch. Or, maybe, tartar sauce should be standard gear for Florida boaters.

Other folks' leftovers: It's what's for dinner

2011-05-27T06:24:00.003-06:00

I'd like to think we've all scarfed down a cold slice of pizza or that leftover tuna casserole out of the fridge. But one restaruant is cooking up a plan (the plan is all they are cooking, by the way) to buy your leftovers by the pound and resell them. The Kinston Free Press in Kinston, NC reports "Lefties" is opening a restaurant based on what can only be called the "You gonna eat that?" business model.

The mystery box in my fridge is scary enough. I'd prefer not to purchase your leftovers, thanks anyway.

BTW, "Lefties" apparently didn't play well in D.C. Must have been something about the name.

BONUS QUOTES: “Say you have hamburgers on Wednesday night, and there are three left over,” Ward said. “If you don’t want to eat hamburgers again that week, all you have to do is use our drive-thru window on your way to work. Someone from our staff will weigh your leftovers and pay you $1.50 per pound.”

AND: “The service is really fast because the food has already been cooked,” said Lefty’s customer Haney Ginsburg of Grifton. “I got some hamburger steak that had a few cigarette ashes on top, just like mama used to make.”

Here's a link, if you can stomach it.

http://www.kinston.com/news/restaurant-73990-warmed-column.html

How bizarre, how bizarre.

2007-08-21T17:42:00.000-06:00

From thedaily.com.au

It's official, Les Stewart has done something very bizarre.
A website which tracks odd happenings around the world, Oddee, has listed Les’ entry in the Guinness Book of World Records, as the third most bizarre world record of all time.
He spent 15 years, from 1983 to 1998, typing out all of the numbers from one to one million (in letters not numerals), simply because he “wanted something to do.”
And as far as Les is concerned, his recent recognition on the Oddee website could be his ticket to the big time.
“This is going to go all around the world,” he said.
“The (latest) Guinness Book of World Records will come out in the next month or two, so there’s going to be enormous publicity.”
But why on earth would anyone want to do what he’s done?
“It just came naturally to me,” he said.
“I got the record in 1983 for typing one to one million in numerals, but I kept on typing for 15 years after that.”
He typed for 20 minutes, “every waking hour”, on the hour until the mammoth task he had set himself was done.
But perhaps more bizarre than his world record achievement, is the fact that Les threw out all but two of the 19,890 pages he typed over those fifteen years.
“I just put them in the recycling bin, we’ve got too many things in the house,” he said.
“But I kept the first and the last page.”
Les was also named in the Guinness Book of World Records for putting the most number of stamps on a single envelope, three thousand- four hundred, to be exact.
He said he would like to continue attempting world records, but said the judging regime had become much stricter than it had been in the past.
“Any athlete will tell you, they’re getting harder every year,” he said.
But as Les said, he had probably already done his bit for the Guinness Book of World Records.
“I got my first world record in 1983 for typing, which is nearly 25 years ago, and not many Australians have done that,” he said.
“I’m a bit of a one of a kind.”

Jason's snark: Get a date, dood.

Estonian Road Rules, now in braille!

2007-08-08T05:40:00.000-06:00

From Reuters

TALLINN - Police in the Baltic state of Estonia stopped a man who was driving erratically at the weekend, only to find he was blind.
The 20-year-old was driving in the southern city of Tartu early Sunday -- helped by instructions from his 16-year-old passenger.
"At first they thought he was just drunk, but the man kept missing the tube for the breath test, then they realized he was blind" and arrested him, Tartu Police spokeswoman Marge Kohtla said Monday.

Jason's snark: Didn't the white cane hanging out of the driver's side window tip the cops off?

How does one shank a sea lion?

2007-08-01T17:07:00.000-06:00

Blog entry from Ryan Sabalow, Redding Record-Searchlight

"Although I don't think anyone should be out trying to prison shank sea lions, I confess I'm rather impressed that the guy could actually stab one, and in the heart, too.
With a steak knife." - Ryan Sabalow, Redding Record-Searchlight

From the AP via CNN via Fark.com:
NEWPORT BEACH, California (AP) -- A fisherman accused of stabbing a sea lion with a steak knife after the animal stole his bait has been arrested.
The sea lion, a six-foot female weighing about 150 pounds, was stabbed in the heart and was euthanized, said Dean Gomersall, animal care supervisor at the Pacific Marine Mammal Center in Laguna Beach.
"It's a horrible thing," Gomersall said. "My crew is extremely upset, and we're just glad the person was caught."
Hai Nguyen, 24, was fishing off a Newport pier about 12:30 p.m. Friday when the sea lion snatched the bait from his fishing pole.
"It was close enough so he could just reach out and stab it in the water," said Sgt. Evan Sailor, a police spokesman. "A number of people witnessed it and called police."

Jason's snark: Sabalow (one of my fave snarkers) wins with this one!

Dog accidentally shoots his owner in the back

2007-08-01T16:02:00.000-06:00

From WMC TV

MEMPHIS - A dog and a gun combined for an unlikely scenario Wednesday morning in a house in the 3800 block of Kerwood.
Investigators said it all started while a group of friends were paying a visit to the owner of King George, a Great Dane.
The dog, excited to see the visitors, knocked a small caliber handgun off a table. The gun discharged, shooting King George's owner in the back.
The man was transported to The MED in critical condition. He is expected to be ok.
King George is not expected to face charges.
Great Danes are a breed of dog known for their giant size and gentle personality.

Jason's snark: (From the "Alternate Headline" category) Great Dane King George shoots owner despite lack of opposable thumbs -and you thought 'ol George was a Brit!

Chocoholic squirrel steals treats from Finnish shop

2007-08-01T15:18:00.000-06:00

From Reuters via Yahoo News

HELSINKI - A Finnish squirrel with a sweet tooth heads to a Finnish grocery shop at least twice a day to steal "Kinder Surprise" chocolate-shelled eggs.
"I named it the Kinder-squirrel, after the treats. It always goes after them, other sweets do not seem to interest it as much," the manager of the store in Jyvaskyla, central Finland, told Reuters.
The confectionary, which is intended for children, has a toy inside.
"It removes the foil carefully, eats the chocolate and leaves the store with the toy," Irene Lindroos said.
Unfortunately, the bushy-tailed thief does not clean up after itself, but leaves the wrappers behind, she added.
Squirrels have a well deserved reputation for being clever and adaptable animals. Many a home owner has seen the small rodents raiding their supposedly "squirrel-proof" bird feeders.

Jason's snark: You gotta wonder where this stash of squirrel-sized toys ends up.

Woman Accused Of Killing Neighbors Over Bad Cookies Found Insane

2007-07-17T16:20:00.000-06:00

From WKMG Orlando

A 55-year-old Port Orange woman who said she killed her neighbors because their "green mothball cookies" made her sick was found not guilty of murder by reason of insanity, according to a judge.
A judge signed an order committing Linda Sue Anderson to a Florida Department of Children and Families facility.
Anderson told Port Orange police that she hated her neighbors, Robert Goerlich, 70, and his wife, Shirley, 68, because their cookies sickened her.
Both were found shot to death by a neighbor at their home located at 110 Gregory Circle.
A short time after the shooting, Anderson was taken into custody and charged with first-degree murder.
During questioning, Anderson told police, "I didn't see any blood or bullet holes in their clothing. …They are over there watching TV aren't they? I was shooting blanks."
Anderson also said, "They make me cookies with green mothballs in them and I get sick."

Jason's snark: Ok, why GREEN mothballs? Now if she'd just said mothballs, well, that sounds pretty sane.

Potential juror’s excuses that he’s racist, homophobic and a habitual liar could bring charges

2007-07-11T19:44:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

BARNSTABLE, Mass. — A Cape Cod man who claimed he was homophobic, racist and a habitual liar to avoid jury duty earned an angry rebuke from a judge on Monday, who referred the case to prosecutors for possible charges. ‘‘In 32 years of service in courtrooms, as a prosecutor, as a defense attorney and now as a judge, I have quite frankly never confronted such a brazen situation of an individual attempting to avoid juror service,’’ Barnstable Superior Court Judge Gary Nickerson told Daniel Ellis, according to a preliminary court transcript of the exchange. Ellis, of Falmouth, had been called to court with about 60 other potential jurors for possible service on a 23-member grand jury. On a questionnaire that all potential jurors fill out, Ellis wrote that he didn’t like homosexuals and blacks. He then echoed those sentiments in an interview with Nickerson. ‘‘You say on your form that you’re not a fan of homosexuals,’’ Nickerson said. ‘‘That I’m a racist,’’ Ellis interrupted. ‘‘I’m frequently found to be a liar, too. I can’t really help it,’’ Ellis added. ‘‘I’m sorry?’’ Nickerson said. ‘‘I said I’m frequently found to be a liar,’’ Ellis replied. ‘‘So, are you lying to me now?’’ Nickerson asked. ‘‘Well, I don’t know. I might be,’’ was the response. Ellis then admitted he really didn’t want to serve on a jury. ‘‘I have the distinct impression that you’re intentionally trying to avoid jury service,’’ Nickerson said. ‘‘That’s true,’’ Ellis answered. Nickerson ordered Ellis taken into custody. He was released later Monday morning. Ellis could face perjury and other charges.

Jason's snark: "I'm frequently found to be a liar, too." Yeah. That's a great way to get to know the judge.

5-year-old pins rabid fox during family cookout to protect brother

2007-07-08T04:22:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

KINGSTOWN, N.C. — A 5-year-old boy grabbed a rabid fox by the neck and pinned it to the ground during a family cookout, protecting six other children before his stepfather could kill the animal. ‘‘I wanted to protect my little brother,’’ said Rayshun McDowell, who battled the fox in the front yard of his home Sunday in Kingstown, a town about 50 miles west of Charlotte. The fox bit Rayshun in the leg, but the 61-pound-boy held the animal down for more than a minute. Animal control officials said Tuesday that test results confirmed the fox had rabies, which is fatal unless treated before symptoms appear. Rayshun is undergoing treatment. ‘‘I looked out the window and Rayshun had the fox by the neck and was pushing it into the ground,’’ said his mother, Shinda Linder. ‘‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.’’ Rayshun’s stepfather, Ryan Thompson, pulled the boy off the animal and kicked it. A neighbor fired a handgun three times but the fox continued to advance. Thompson, wearing a cast because of a broken leg, said he used a stick and his crutch to beat the fox to death. Rayshun, meanwhile, asked only for a Band-Aid and didn’t complain of any pain. ‘‘Rayshun was really calm and wasn’t upset,’’ his mother said. ‘‘I couldn’t believe he would do something like that. He was so brave, and I was a wreck.’’ Rabies attacks the nervous system and is transmitted through saliva. It often makes animals aggressive. A 6-year-old girl who was attacked by a fox the same day at her home nearby also is being treated.

Jason's snark: This kid is going for the Olympic Bearhanded Critter Wrasslin' gold.

Detroit employee sues city over co-worker’s perfume, saying strong fragrance stops her work

2007-07-08T04:19:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

DETROIT (AP) — An employee in the Detroit planning department who claims she is severely sensitive to perfumes and other cosmetics has sued the city, saying a co-worker’s strong fragrance prohibits her from working. Susan McBride’s lawsuit, filed Tuesday in U.S. District Court in Detroit, says the work environment is in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. She wants a ban on such scents at work — and unspecified damages. City spokesman Matt Allen declined to comment, telling The Detroit News the city does not normally comment on litigation or personnel issues. McBride, who joined the planning department in 2000, says problems started a year ago when the co-worker, who isn’t identified in the lawsuit, transferred into her department. ‘‘This employee not only wore a strong scent, but also plugged in a scented room deodorizer,’’ the lawsuit states. ‘‘Ms. McBride was overcome by the smell almost instantly, causing her to go home sick.’’ The co-worker later agreed to stop using the room deodorizer, but kept using perfume, the lawsuit states.

Jason's snark: That stinks.

Thieves truck off 4,800 golf balls in middle of night

2007-07-08T04:16:00.000-06:00

From Kansas.com

BONNER SPRINGS - Nearly 4,800 fluorescent yellow golf balls are missing from a suburban Kansas City golf course after someone raided its driving range.
Sunflower Hills Golf Course head professional Jeff Johnson said it would have taken someone hours Sunday night to pick the balls up from the range, where they were scattered after being hit earlier in the night.
He has no idea whether the theft was an expensive prank -- with an estimated loss of $2,700, the crime is considered a felony -- or if the culprits intend to try to sell the balls, with their big stripe and about half with Dr Pepper logos on them.
"That or they are some really bad golfers who need some range balls to practice with -- a lot to practice with," Johnson said.
He discovered the theft Monday morning when he went to set up the driving range and noticed that there were no balls in the landing area.
Someone had apparently driven a vehicle onto the range. The balls, Johnson said, would have filled a pickup truck's bed.
"It by far is not the weirdest thing I have seen," said Bonner Springs Police Detective Jay Oliver. "It is definitely offbeat. It is not a common occurrence."

Jason's snark: Yup, that heist took a lot of balls.

Roof ride nets charges

2007-07-03T17:23:00.000-06:00

From Yahoo News

AMSTERDAM - Police officers in the Dutch city of Alkmaar were surprised to see a car passing by with a man sitting on a bicycle on its roof.
The driver and his wife, when stopped by the police, said they heard a noise while waiting at a traffic light, but did not realise they were taking on an extra passenger.
The 26 year-old man who took the free ride was fined for public drunkenness, not carrying an identity card and providing a false identity to the police.

Jason's snark: How can a driver not notice a bike and rider on the roof? Oh, yeah. It's Amsterdam.

Rat, 4 cats rescued and resuscitated after Idaho apartment fire

2007-06-21T15:17:00.000-06:00

By The Assoicated Press

POCATELLO, Idaho — Firefighters resuscitated four cats and an albino rat from a charred apartment in southeastern Idaho. The animals received oxygen through a special mask designed for small animals that the department got two years ago. Electrical failure likely caused the fire, which resulted in at least $10,000 in damage, fire officials said. No people were injured. Firefighter Kirby Jonas, who whisked the rat to safety, said he was astonished anything survived the flames that engulfed the apartment. He found the rat huddled in blackened bedding in a cage. ‘‘If I were betting money, I would have put down $10,000 that anything in that cage was dead,’’ Jonas said. Also in the room was a poster of an albino rat with a halo over its head, he said. One cat didn’t survive the blaze.

Jason's snark: The source of the fire was traced to a charcoal grill. Apparently the cats were just bbq'ing them a tasty rat.

Man Sets Fire To 4 Cars While Trying To Steal Gas

2007-06-18T17:01:00.000-06:00

From WNBC New York

SELDEN, N.Y. -- A 38-year-old Long Island man is under arrest after he accidentally set fire to four cars at an automotive shop while trying to steal gasoline from one of them.
Suffolk County Police said that the Selden man was using a cordless power drill to bore into the bottom of the gas tank of a car parked at Sunrise Automotive in Islip when the fuel ignited.
The man was able to get from under the car unscathed, but the gasoline continued seeping out, spreading flames. Police said three cars were destroyed and a fourth damaged.

Jason's snark: Heard just before the explosion - "Dude, it won't explode. The drill's not even plugged in!"

Japan to get nursing home for pets

2007-06-14T05:13:00.000-06:00

From Mainichi Daily News

Japan will get its first nursing home for dogs with round-the-clock monitoring by doctors and a team of puppies to help aging pooches feel younger, a pet products company said.
Owners pay 98,000 yen (US$800) a month to keep their dogs at the Soladi Care Home for pets, which opens Friday, according to a joint release Wednesday by Soladi Co. and the Endo Veterinary clinic in Tochigi, eastern Japan.
Veterinarians at the home will offer round-the-clock monitoring, and residents will be fed specially fortified food, the release said.
The home, which can accept 20 dogs at one time, will also employ puppies to play with the aging dogs to help them keep fit and feel younger, the release said.
Analysts say that a boom in pet ownership in Japan, coupled with better health care and a more balanced diet, has led to a surge in elderly pets in Japan.
That has spurred doting owners to turn to vitamins, aromatherapy and even acupuncture to help their companions through their old age.

Jason's snark: Can pet 401K plans be far behind?

Teary-eyed judge mourns pants

2007-06-13T07:15:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

WASHINGTON — A judge had to leave the courtroom with tears running down his face Tuesday after recalling the lost pair of trousers that led to his $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaner. Administrative law judge Roy L. Pearson had argued earlier in his opening statement that he is acting in the interest of all city residents against poor business practices. Defense attorneys called his claim ‘‘outlandish.’’ He originally sued Custom Cleaners for about $65 million under the District of Columbia consumer protection act and almost $2 million in common law claims. He is no longer seeking damages related to the pants, instead focusing his claims on two signs in the shop that have since been removed. He alleges that Jin Chung, Soo Chung and Ki Chung, owners of the mom-and-pop business, committed fraud and misled consumers with signs that claimed ‘‘Satisfaction Guaranteed’’ and ‘‘Same Day Service.’’

Jason's Snark: Now we know what the judge wears under his robe.

Woman named Butts charged with theft of toilet paper from Iowa courthouse

2007-06-11T16:40:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

MARSHALLTOWN, Iowa — Police blame a woman named Butts for stealing toilet paper from a central Iowa courthouse, and while they’re chuckling, the theft charge could put her in prison. ‘‘She’s facing potentially three years of incarceration for three rolls of toilet paper,’’ Chief Lon Walker said, stifling a laugh as he talked to KCCI-TV about Suzanne Marie Butts. ‘‘See, I can’t say it with a straight face.’’ Workers had noticed the rolls disappearing from the Marshall County Courthouse much faster than usual, Walker said. Butts, 38, was caught last week after an employee saw her taking three rolls of two-ply tissue from a storage closet, Walker said. Butts insisted it was the first time she’d pilfered toilet paper, but she declined to answer further questions on her attorney’s advice. The fifth-degree theft charge, a misdemeanor, normally carries a sentence of less than a year in jail. But Butts could face more time if convicted under the state’s habitual offender law because she has prior theft convictions. Walker did not know why Butts was at the courthouse, but said that she did not work there.

Jason's snark: Sometimes you can't make these stories better if you try.

McDonald’s fries, Cheez Whiz scientist dies

2007-06-08T07:54:00.000-06:00

From MSNBC

MADISON, Wis. - Edwin Traisman, a food scientist who created the process for freezing McDonald's french fries and helped develop Cheez Whiz, has died at age 91.
Traisman died Tuesday at the University of Wisconsin Hospital and Clinics following a heart attack, said his granddaughter Jenna Greene, of Chevy Chase, Md.
Born in Chicago on Nov. 25, 1915, to Latvian immigrants, Traisman was the only of six siblings to graduate from high school. He earned a bachelor's degree in chemistry from the University of Illinois in 1937.

Jason's snark: Folks, he was 91. I told you cheese fries were health food.

Michigan man in wheelchair takes wild ride lodged to truck’s front

2007-06-07T19:09:00.001-06:00

From The Associated Press

PAW PAW, Mich. — A man was taken on a wild ride when his wheelchair became lodged in the grille of a semitrailer and was accidentally pushed down a highway for four miles at about 50 mph, authorities said. The 21-year-old man, whose name was not released, was unharmed but was taken to a hospital as a precaution. He had been secured to his wheelchair by a seat belt. ‘‘The man spilled his soda pop, but he wasn’t upset,’’ said Sgt. Kathy Morton of the Michigan State Police. About 4 p.m. Wednesday, a caller told police dispatchers, ‘‘You are not going to believe this: There is a semi truck pushing a guy in a wheelchair on Red Arrow Highway,’’ state police said in a release. Authorities initially wondered whether the report was a prank call until others called with similar reports. Officers stopped the truck — wheelchair still attached — at a trucking company. The driver didn’t believe officers until he stepped from his cab and saw for himself. ‘‘When he saw us, he was like, ’What’s going on?’’’ Morton said. An investigation revealed the man in the wheelchair had pulled in front of the truck at a gas station and it somehow became lodged by its handles to the front grille.

Jason's snark: Wish I could have been the dispatch officer taking that call.

Michigan man in wheelchair takes wild ride lodged to truck’s front

2007-06-07T19:09:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

PAW PAW, Mich. (AP) — A man was taken on a wild ride when his wheelchair became lodged in the grille of a semitrailer and was accidentally pushed down a highway for four miles at about 50 mph, authorities said. The 21-year-old man, whose name was not released, was unharmed but was taken to a hospital as a precaution. He had been secured to his wheelchair by a seat belt. ‘‘The man spilled his soda pop, but he wasn’t upset,’’ said Sgt. Kathy Morton of the Michigan State Police. About 4 p.m. Wednesday, a caller told police dispatchers, ‘‘You are not going to believe this: There is a semi truck pushing a guy in a wheelchair on Red Arrow Highway,’’ state police said in a release. Authorities initially wondered whether the report was a prank call until others called with similar reports. Officers stopped the truck — wheelchair still attached — at a trucking company. The driver didn’t believe officers until he stepped from his cab and saw for himself. ‘‘When he saw us, he was like, ’What’s going on?’’’ Morton said. An investigation revealed the man in the wheelchair had pulled in front of the truck at a gas station and it somehow became lodged by its handles to the front grille.

Jason's snark: Wish I could have been the dispatch officer taking that call.

81-year old Los Angeles woman found living with about 120 pet rats

2007-06-07T06:24:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

LOS ANGELES — Officers seized more than 100 pet rats, dozens of rabbits and other animals including several birds from the home of an 81-year-old woman, who was later treated at a hospital for what appeared to be bites, authorities said. ‘‘The woman had no food in the house for herself and seemed disoriented,’’ said Annette Ramirez, an officer with the city’s Animal Services Department. ‘‘Her arms were covered with open wounds apparently caused by animal bites.’’ Animal control officers discovered the scene while investigating a report Monday of unkempt conditions at a home in suburban Wilmington. In all, they found about 120 rats, 25 rabbits, six parakeets, a dog, a quail and a cockatiel, she said. The woman, identified as Wanda Langstom, was overwhelmed by how quickly the rats reproduced, Ramirez said. ‘‘She said it just started with two but it got out of hand,’’ Ramirez said. Most of the animals were in fair condition, but two rabbits needed medical attention. They will all be available for adoption after being treated by a veterinarian, she said.

Jason's snark: Great news: 120 rats will soon be available for adoption. Being L.A., they'll probably find good homes.

New breed of cat retails for $22,000

2007-05-31T08:21:00.000-06:00

From Seattlepi.com

From the we're-not-making-this-up department comes news that a company called Lifestyle Pets has introduced the Ashera, a new breed of cat that retails for $22,000. Sunroof extra.
Billed as the world's "largest, rarest and most exotic domestic cat," the Ashera is the size of a small dog -- and we're not talking Paris Hilton-style pooch. Top weight is about 30 pounds.
Developed by crossing two exotic feline bloodlines -- the African serval and the Asian leopard cat -- with a regular old domestic cat, the Ashera has leopardlike spots and contrasting tiger stripes and a smile that will scare the mailman. We kid. The news release says Asheras are intelligent, great with kids and OK with being walked on a leash. If this is the pet of your dreams, visit lifestylepets.com and start stocking up on fresh meat.

Jason's snark: Mice? What mice?

It's raining hen

2007-05-30T05:48:00.000-06:00

From BBC News

Australian police are investigating how and why homes near Sydney have been bombarded by dead chickens.
Residents in the city of Newcastle believe the birds may have fallen from an aircraft or been fired by pranksters using a slingshot.
Two homes have been damaged since the mystery began.
When a headless chicken crashed on to a suburban house in Newcastle last month, most people thought it had fallen from a low-flying aircraft.
It's raining hen
Newspaper headlineThat theory is now in doubt after a second bird fell on to another home nearby at the weekend.
Such was the damage to the roof that experts are convinced the carcass must have plummeted at least 1,600 feet.
A physics professor at Newcastle University has pointed the finger at local wags, armed with a giant slingshot or catapult.
The mystery has delighted headline writers around Australia.
Among the gems were "It's raining hen" and "Crashing chooks ruffle residents' feathers"!
The police have admitted they do not have much to go on - apart from two very squashed chickens.

Jason's snark: Less Nessman would be proud.

Pre-teen plugs porker

2007-05-27T15:32:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

Hogzilla is being made into a horror movie. But the sequel may be even bigger: Meet Monster Pig. An 11-year-old boy used a pistol to kill a wild hog his father says weighed a staggering 1,051 pounds and measured 9 feet 4, from the tip of its snout to the base of its tail. Think hams as big as car tires. If the claims are accurate, Jamison Stone’s trophy boar would be bigger than Hogzilla, the famed wild hog that grew to seemingly mythical proportions after being killed in south Georgia in 2004. Hogzilla originally was thought to weigh 1,000 pounds and measure 12 feet long. National Geographic experts who unearthed its remains believe the animal actually weighed about 800 pounds and was 8 feet long. Regardless of the comparison, Jamison is reveling in the attention over his pig. ‘‘It feels really good,’’ Jamison said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. ‘‘It’s a good accomplishment. I probably won’t ever kill anything else that big.’’ Jamison, who killed his first deer at age 5, was hunting with father Mike Stone and two guides in east Alabama on May 3 when he bagged Monster Pig. He said he shot the huge animal eight times with a .50-caliber revolver and chased it for three hours through hilly woods before finishing it off with a point-blank shot. Through it all, there was the fear that the animal would turn and charge them, as wild boars have a reputation for doing. ‘‘I was a little bit scared, a little bit excited,’’ said Jamison, who lives in Pickensville on the Mississippi border. He just finished the sixth grade on the honor roll at Christian Heritage Academy, a small, private school. His father said that, just to be extra safe, he and the guides had high-powered rifles aimed and ready to fire in case the beast, with 5-inch tusks, decided to charge. With the animal finally dead in a creek bed on the 2,500-acre Lost Creek Plantation, a commercial hunting preserve in Delta, trees had to be cut down and a backhoe brought in to bring Jamison’s prize out of the woods. It was hauled on a truck to the Clay County Farmers Exchange in Lineville, where Jeff Kinder said they used his scale, recently calibrated, to weigh the hog. Kinder’s scale measures only to the nearest 10, but Mike Stone said it balanced one notch past the 1,050-pound mark. ‘‘It probably weighed 1,060 pounds. We were just afraid to change it once the story was out,’’ he said. The hog’s head is being mounted by Jerry Cunningham of Jerry’s Taxidermy. Cunningham said the animal measured 54 inches around the head, 74 inches around the shoulders and 11 inches from the eyes to the end of its snout. ‘‘It’s huge,’’ he said. ‘‘It’s just the biggest thing I’ve ever seen.’’ Mike Stone is having sausage made from the rest of the animal. ‘‘We’ll probably get 500 to 700 pounds,’’ he said.

Jason's snark: That's a helluva lot of chicharrone.

A Chinese woman says her cat has wings

2007-05-24T06:24:00.000-06:00

From IOL

Granny Feng's tom cat has sprouted two hairy four-inch long wings, reports the Huashang News."At first, they were just two bumps, but they started to grow quickly, and after a month there were two wings," she said.Feng, of Xianyang city, Shaanxi province, says the wings, which contain bones, make her pet look like a 'cat angel'.Her explanation is that the cat sprouted the wings after being sexually harassed."A month ago, many female cats in heat came to harass him, and then the wings started to grow," she said.However, experts say the phenomenon is more likely down to a gene mutation, and say it shouldn't prevent the cat living a normal life.

Jason's snark: Too much Red Bull.

Umbrella saves falling teen's life

2007-05-21T06:08:00.000-06:00

From the Shanghai Daily

AN 18-year girl's life-and-death experience had a happy ending because of an umbrella she was holding when she was blown off the roof of a six-story building in a storm.The umbrella allowed her to land relatively softly on the ground and saved her life.Zhang Haijing, a school student from Jingning County in neighboring Zhejiang Province, was caught in the rain on her way home in the evening of May 15. She intended to wash her soaked clothes in a laundry located at the top of her six-story building, Today Morning Express reported today.To get to the laundry, she had to walk along a slippery pathway on the roof and as she walked in the rain she was holding a raised umbrella in her hand.A strong gust of wind caught Zhang and sent her over the edge of the building but she managed to hold onto the umbrella as she fell, the report said.The umbrella reduced the speed of her falling and she landed in a deeply soaked garden around her building, which was being used to grow vegetables.

Jason's snark: Wow, Marry Poppins is a live and well in China.

Texas man charged with stealing truck carrying $250,000 worth of Skittles

2007-05-15T16:58:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

DALLAS — A little candy can add up to a rainbow of trouble. A man caught removing tires from a truck has been charged with stealing the tractor-trailer containing $250,000 worth of Skittles, police said. Seven pallets of the 28 in the truck are still missing, authorities said. Alan Chavez, 22, has been charged with first-degree felony theft. It was unclear Monday whether he had a lawyer. Chavez said he had paid someone else $500 for the truck’s rims and tires, police said. The truck has an estimated value of $85,000, and the trailer’s value is $30,000.

Jason's Snark: In related news, one million mid-schoolers flock to Dallas neighborhood.

Man injured using screwdriver, hammer to discharge bullet

2007-05-14T18:42:00.000-06:00

From Poststar.com

LAKE LUZERNE -- A man was hospitalized Saturday after he accidentally discharged a round of ammunition into his abdomen using a screwdriver and a hammer, police said.The Warren County Sheriff's Office was called to 2073 Call St. at 5:05 p.m. Saturday, where they determined that Damion M. Mosher, 18, had been discharging .223-caliber rounds by placing them in a steel vice, putting a screwdriver on the primer, and striking the screwdriver with a hammer, police said.The round went about a half-inch into his abdomen, police said. Mosher was treated at Glens Falls Hospital and was released, police said.Police said Mosher told them he was trying to empty the rounds so he could return the brass casings for scrap. He had set off approximately 100 rounds before being struck, police said.

Jason's snark: I'll give you 100:1 odds this isn't the last time we hear from ol' Damion.

Man attacks officer after throwing puppy at car

2007-05-14T17:59:00.000-06:00

From The Albuquerque Tribune

A man who threw a puppy at a police car is accused of grabbing a police officer by the genitals and squeezing.
According to a Metro Court criminal complaint, police responded early Sunday morning to a report of a man running through traffic holding a dog near I-25 and Paseo del Norte.
At the scene, police found a man later identified as Jonathan Padilla-Mora, 26, walking along the frontage road while holding a tan puppy by the scruff of its neck.
"Padilla stepped in front of my patrol car and threw the puppy at the front of the car," an Albuquerque police officer wrote in the complaint.
Padilla-Mora then took off his white tank top and offered to fight the officer, the complaint states.
After he was handcuffed at gunpoint, Padilla-Mora grabbed the officer's genitals while being searched and let go only after the officer squeezed a pressure point on Padilla-Mora's neck, the complaint states.
Padilla-Mora was charged with battery on a police officer and was being held in lieu of $5,000 bond.
Padilla-Mora's brother told police they had been out drinking that night. He said Padilla-Mora had thrown the puppy onto the highway several times, trying to get it hit by a car, according to the complaint.
The dog was taken by animal control officers and is alive, police said.

Jason's snark: Way to make us proud there Johnnie boy. Hope that puppy gets outta the cage long before you do.

Man Dies in Conn. Dance Faceoff

2007-05-13T12:59:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press via Philly.com

NEW BRITAIN, Conn. - A man died while trying to outdo a rival with an acrobatic move while "battle dancing," police said.
Robert Stitt, 48, and his rival were competing in a parking lot Monday night when he tried a forward flip and landed on his head.
"It was just two guys dancing. Everybody was laughing," Stitt's friend John Boxley said.
Boxley said James Brown was on the radio and Stitt wanted to outdo a rival dancer, who had flipped in the air.
Police said the victim went into cardiac arrest and was pronounced dead a short time at a local hospital.
Police said several people were in the parking lot drinking and battle dancing , a competition in which each dancer tries one-upmanship with unique moves.

Jason's snark: That's it! All you dang kids get out of the gene pool right now!

Man tried to sell blank 'money'

2007-05-07T17:12:00.000-06:00

From United Press International

NEW YORK, May 7 (UPI) -- A man from Liberia is charged with trying to unload a bag of white paper he claimed was $4 million in cash at a New York hotel.
The criminal complaint against Calvin Swen claims he was trying to find buyers for eight bricks of white paper that he claimed were incognito $100 bills, The New York Sun reported Monday.
Swen allegedly told a prospective buyer the money was intended to be foreign aid for Sierra Leone and had been dyed white to prevent couriers from being robbed. Swen said the paper would be revealed as actual $100 bills when placed between two actual bills. For this reason, the criminal complaint says, the attempted con man insisted the prospective buyer bring along $5 million in cash.
However, the prospective buyer was an undercover FBI agent, and Swen was arrested and charged with attempting to sell counterfeit money.

Jason's snark: Somebody tell this guy I've got a cool million bucks on top of my desk right now.

Pensioner halts post office robbery - with lettuce

2007-05-07T06:41:00.000-06:00

From The Sun

George Smith, 82, was shopping when a raider walked into the village store in Speldhurst, Kent, and pointed the gun at postmistress Pat Carter.
The man demanded money — but Mr Smith belted him in the face with an iceberg lettuce.
A second hit persuaded the robber to run off.
World War II veteran Mr Smith, of Speldhurst, said: “The best form of defence is attack — so I did. I clobbered him twice.”
Mrs Carter, 52, said: “I was shocked to see someone with a gun — and by how George stopped him.
“Nobody knows how they are going to react — but George took the wind out of his sails.”

Jason's snark: Lettuce hope the robber didn't cabbage on to any loot.

Shakespeare play's marquee banner no habla Español

2007-05-05T07:38:00.000-06:00

From MySA.com

Spanish words on a marquee outside Wagner High School advertising a Spanish-language version of the Shakespeare comedy "A Midsummer Night's Dream" — "Un Sueno en Una Noche de Verano" — were changed to English after the school received calls of complaint.
The production, which opened Thursday and ends with a matinee today, is using a script translated into Spanish by Wagner drama teacher Laurence Wensel.
The cast members, several of them native Spanish-speakers who are now bilingual, showed enthusiasm for producing the famous play in Spanish.
Wensel said he was surprised to learn Thursday that the sign would be changed.
"It was upsetting to me because it was being taken down just for the sake of somebody complaining as opposed to finding common ground," Wensel said. "We're supposed to be supporting diversity." Wensel said he thought the marquee should be in Spanish because that is the title of the play.
Principal Joe Gonzalez said he received three or four calls from parents or community members who were more confused than upset, saying they didn't understand the words and what was being advertised. The Judson ISD superintendent's office also received two calls.
"I think they had a right to be concerned," Gonzalez said, adding he doesn't want to alienate anyone. "We're trying to educate our community too."
Gonzalez, whose school is 47 percent Hispanic, decided to change the sign. He noted it had been posted in Spanish for four days, enough time to get the message across.
All along, Gonzalez supported producing the alternative version of the play, though he said Friday" "You're kind of going out there on a limb when you're producing a play that's totally in Spanish."

Jason's snark: estúpido

Tacos touted as tipster treat

2007-05-02T07:25:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

BRIGHAM CITY, Utah — Crime-solving doesn’t get much spicier than this. The owner of a Mexican restaurant is offering 500 tacos for information that leads to the arrest of the person who stole about $3,000. ‘‘We’re offering a food reward because all the cash got taken,’’ said Joe Cottam, owner of Melina’s Fine Mexican Restaurant. Someone broke through a glass door and stole cash and checks that had been prepared for deposit, said Cottam, who discovered the theft April 24. With tacos priced at more than $2, the reward is worth about $1,200, he said.

Guest snark from good buddy and colleague Brook: Can I get that in installments or is it a lump-sum payment?

Box unearthed from backyard holds aging dynamite, not buried treasure

2007-05-02T07:22:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

SARVER, Pa. — Lori Artman thought she’d uncovered a fortune when she found an old wooden box partially buried in her backyard. But there was no hidden loot in the box — just dynamite. ‘‘We were hoping for money, a buried treasure,’’ Artman said. ‘‘Instead we just had a crazy day with the bomb squad.’’ The box was found Friday when Artman, her boyfriend and her nephew were inspecting the fence around her property in Buffalo Township, about 25 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. They called police, who summoned the Allegheny County bomb squad. The dynamite was wrapped in newspapers from 1968. Artman said she was told it likely came from an old mine or was left by a gas company that used it to blow up large rocks. Authorities said they destroyed the 76 sticks of deteriorating dynamite by burning it in a field. ‘‘It was very unexciting,’’ said township Fire Chief Gary Risch Jr. ‘‘It looked like a bale of straw on fire.’’

Jason's snark: Now that's an explosive discovery.

70-Year-Old Marathoner Nabs Alleged Shoplifter

2007-04-29T07:42:00.000-06:00

From WBZTV.com

WOLFEBORO, N.H. This shoplifter would have to do a lot of training before even thinking of escaping the grips of a 70-year-old liquor store clerk. Judy Brenner of Brookfield was working at the liquor store in Wolfeboro on Thursday when she thought a customer was trying get away with some liquor.You see, Judy ran the Boston Marathon earlier this month… and she finished in just over five hours. She also placed sixth among the women in her age bracket. "I have no problem running fast," she said. So when she saw a teen trying to get away with a half-gallon of whiskey under his jacket, Judy ran after him. She sprinted 100 feet and caught up with the teen. "He didn't run, but he walked faster, so I picked up my pace," Brenner said. "I wasn't going to let him go he didn't pay for that."
The 70-year-old marathoner grabbed the liquor from the teen while others on the street grabbed him. Judy and the others held the suspect until police could arrive.

Jason's snark: One tough grandma.

Putrid prank prompts complaints

2007-04-28T08:59:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

TUCSON, Ariz. — A putrid prank went awry when authorities found a rental truck filled with rotting fish, cow parts and pig organs and evacuated residents of a Tucson neighborhood, police said. Four University of Arizona students had rented the truck and collected the smelly cargo intending to dump it on someone’s front lawn as a prank, said Sgt. Mark Robinson, a Tucson Police Department spokesman. Neighbors disgusted by the foul odor emanating from the vehicle called police Thursday and officers found the truck packed with 10 city trash cans, Robinson said. They also found ammonia and bleach, which prompted authorities to evacuate a square block and call in a hazardous materials team. After testing the air and finding oxygen levels were fine, police officers moved in and discovered the decomposing contents in the trash cans. The four students returned to the scene during the police search and confessed to renting the truck and filling it up, Robinson said. The students were released after questioning, but may later face charges, including theft of the trash cans, criminal damage and disturbing the peace.

Jason's snark: And they say U of A isn't a party school. Go Greek!

Man electrocuted while picking mangos

2007-04-26T20:05:00.000-06:00

From Sun-Sentinel.com

A 35-year-old man, trying to get fruit from a tree, was electrocuted Thursday afternoon in Pompano Beach, according to the Broward Sheriff's Office. Jose Angel Mejia-Pinto and three other men were gathering mangos from a tree in the yard at 116 NW 12th St. Mejia-Pinto was using a 21-foot long metal pole to knock the mangos from the tree.
At about 3:27 p.m., the pole touched an overhead power line, sending 7,000 volts into Mejia-Pinto and knocking him to the ground.Paramedics and BSO deputies responded to the scene where they pronounced Mejia-Pinto dead.BSO detectives are investigating the apparent accident.

Jason's snark: Holy flaming mangos, Bat Man!

Fla. doctor dressed as Capt. America accused of drug and battery charges after barroom groping

2007-04-26T08:48:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

MELBOURNE, Fla. — A doctor dressed as Captain America was arrested after groping a woman at a bar and fighting with her boyfriend, authorities said. Patrons at the bar were dressed in costumes as part of a bar crawl Saturday night, police spokeswoman Jill Frederiksen said. A man carrying a burrito and dressed as Captain America approached her, began to say dirty things and touched her inappropriately, police said. He then brawled with her boyfriend, authorities said. Several patrons who had dressed as the super hero were asked to step outside so the woman could identify the suspect, Frederiksen said. She picked out Raymond Adamcik, 54, police said. After he was arrested, he tried to flush marijuana down a toilet at a police station, police said. Adamcik was released on a $2,500 bond and faces charges of possession of marijuana, destruction of evidence, disorderly conduct and battery. A secretary at Adamcik’s office said he was on leave and that the office was not accepting messages for him.

Jason's snark: How many Captain Americas does it take to hide a burrito?
Jason's snark update: One paragraph. Nine sentences. Eight "saids." There's some attribution for ya.

Drunken man parks horse in bank foyer to take snooze

2007-04-26T08:31:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

BERLIN - An early-morning bank customer had a bit of a shock when he found a horse at the automatic teller machine. The horse's owner, identified only as Wolfgang H., had a bit too much to drink the night before and decided to sleep it off inside the bank's heated foyer, police said Tuesday. The 40-year-old machinist told Bild newspaper he had had "a few beers" with a friend in Wiesenburg, southwest of Berlin, and decided to hit the hay in the bank on his way home. Confronted with the lack of a hitching-post, he brought the 6-year-old horse, named Sammy, in with him. When a customer came across the horse and sleeping rider in the bank at 4:15 a.m. Monday, he called police, who then came and woke the owner up and sent him on his way. No charges were filed, but there might be some cleanup needed: Apparently Sammy made his own after-hours deposit on the carpet.

Jason's snark: The entire story is a snark. What can I possibly add? Your turn to comment.

Goat rides shotgun

2007-04-26T08:28:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

SHERIDAN, Wyo. — Shirley Weidt says people should stop complaining about the goat in her minivan. After all, there’s plenty of room in the ba-a-a-ack with the seats removed. Despite protests from some residents, city animal control officer Ray Buhr said Weidt isn’t violating any laws or treating the animal cruelly. ‘‘The van is kept clean,’’ Buhr said. ‘‘We’ve checked several times. There’s really nothing in ordinances or state statutes that says she can’t do that. The goat is entirely happy in there.’’ Weidt said it’s ‘‘nobody’s business’’ if she keeps her goat in a van. The goat is in the van so it won’t escape, she said. Beverly Saxton, who lives near property Weidt owns, thinks keeping the goat in the minivan is cruel. ‘‘A farm animal should have the opportunity to graze and exercise,’’ Saxton said. ‘‘When it’s trapped in a van, it doesn’t have those possibilities. That’s not an environment for an animal. That’s hideous.’’ Other residents have voiced similar concerns about the goat. Buhr said he doesn’t like the goat being in the van either, but he said the animal has food and water, and the back seats have been removed for more room. Buhr said animal control officers will continue to check on the goat, noting that once summer arrives, it might be too hot for the goat to stay in the van.

Jason's snark: Cook on low heat for 2-3 weeks. Serve warm.

Man burned when vacuum catches fire

2007-04-25T07:36:00.000-06:00

From The Moultrie Observer

Celious White, 34, of 720 Fourth Ave. S.W., was taken to Colquitt Regional Medical Center for burns to both his arms, his mouth and his nose. He was transferred to the Joseph Still Burn Center in Augusta, but his condition there was not known Tuesday evening.
The Moultrie Fire Department was called to a car on fire that was threatening a structure on Fourth Avenue Southwest at 8:03 p.m. Monday. When firefighters arrived, they found a vacuum on fire that was near a Chevrolet Tahoe. The vehicle was parked in the back yard and was near a shop area.
The fire was brought under control at 8:12 p.m.
White stated he was replacing a fuel pump on the Tahoe and was removing gasoline with the vacuum when it caught fire. The fire damaged the vehicle’s rear driver’s side and a tail light.

Jason's snark: I guess "Celious" is French for "Cleetus."

12 charged with illegally selling caviar from paddlefish caught in Ind. streams

2007-04-24T19:03:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

INDIANAPOLIS — An illegal caviar ring has been broken up with the arrest of a dozen people accused of dealing in the ill-gotten fish eggs, conservation officials said. Indiana conservation officers spent more than a year infiltrating the fishing ring, Sgt. Dean Shadley said after Monday’s arrests. ‘‘It’s just like a drug dealer, you’ve got to hang out where they hang out and talk the talk and walk the walk,’’ he said. Members of the ring caught paddlefish — distant cousins of caviar-producing sturgeon — in Ohio River tributaries and sold their eggs as caviar, according to the Indiana Department of Natural Resources. One paddlefish can yield as much as $800 worth of eggs, and annual income for those who catch them can range from $100,000 to $400,000. ‘‘It’s easy money, it’s just like picking cherries,’’ Shadley said. ‘‘And I’m sure that was tax free. I can’t imagine they reported it.’’ Commercial fishermen can catch paddlefish in the Ohio River, but tributaries are off limits because that is where the fish spawn. Paddlefish are edible, but their real value lies in the eggs. A shortage of sturgeon eggs from Asia’s Caspian Sea has created a lucrative market for paddlefish eggs, which have a similar taste, look and consistency, according to state officials. Each person arrested faces a felony charge of illegal sale of a wild animal. Other charges include money laundering and commercial fishing in closed water.

Jason's snark: These guys need to learn when to fish and when not to eat bait.

Man arrested for butchering alligator says he just wanted a new belt

2007-04-24T18:57:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

TAMPA, Fla. — Police arrested a man who picked up a dead alligator and tried to butcher it on his front lawn, saying he only wanted a new belt. Benjamin Hodges, 35, said he found the dead gator floating in the Hillsborough River on Sunday and took it home in a shopping cart. He figures it was 4 feet or 5 feet long. Just as Hodges flopped the carcass on the ground and started to cut it open, officers showed up and arrested him. An anonymous caller had reported him to the state wildlife agency. He is charged with killing or possessing an alligator, a felony punishable by up to 60 days in jail and a $500 fine. Although their numbers are growing, American alligators are still protected in Florida as a species of special concern. Hodges said he knew of a man at a flea market who might be able to craft a belt for him. ‘‘I didn’t think there was anything illegal about skinning a dead gator,’’ he told The Tampa Tribune. He was freed on $2,000 bail.

Jason's snark: In other news, an alligator was seen skinning a Floridian for shoes.

Burglar targets charity

2007-04-23T18:08:00.000-06:00

From Columbia Tribune

A Columbia man faces burglary charges after police suspect he broke into a charity three times last week.
Selvyn A. McMillan, 44, was arrested after police were dispatched Saturday night to Big Brothers Big Sisters, 806 N. Providence Road, in reference to a burglary in progress. It was the third burglary at the charity’s office in four nights.
McMillan was arrested after he made incriminating statements to police indicating he was also involved in the second burglary. He is charged with second-degree burglary and remained in the Boone County Jail today on $4,500 bond.
Georgalu Swoboda, executive director of Big Brothers Big Sisters, said the charity installed an alarm system Friday after burglaries the two previous nights. The charity also reversed the front doors so they opened outward, making it harder for them to be kicked in.
Two personal computers, a laptop and a DVD player were stolen during the first burglary, Swoboda said. Bottles of wine disappeared after the second incident.
"We had five bottles of wine, and they only took four. That’s all they took," she said. "We thought it was kids at that point."
Swoboda said McMillan entered through a window Saturday night and was taking apart a computer when police arrived. He tried to climb through the ceiling tiles to escape, she said, and a police K-9 unit found him hiding underneath a desk.
Swoboda said it appears everything except the laptop will be covered by insurance. The string of burglaries hit the charity as it prepared to kick off its Children of Promise campaign.
"We have a couple hundred kids that need mentors, and that’ll slow us down," she said of the crimes.
Police Sgt. Ken Hammond with the Major Crimes Unit said investigators are trying to connect McMillan with the first burglary as well.
"We have no indications that a second person was involved," Hammond said. "We’re still trying to tie him to the first burglary. We haven’t been able to do that yet, but he is a strong suspect in that."
Swoboda said the charity never was victimized by crime before, and she was surprised the office was targeted because it is on Providence Road and is lit well.
"You’d think they’d go to a bank or something that had something to take," she said. "Other than equipment - computers and printers - there’s nothing to take. There’s no money. This man came three times. I wouldn’t think that is too smart to do."

Jason's snark: OK folks, I'm snarkless on this one. Any suggestions? (Bonus points for anyone who can tell me what "Swoboda" means.)

Man toasts toes on torched tannenbaum

2007-04-23T06:34:00.000-06:00

From The Star-Ledger

A Frankford Township man who accidentally started a small brush fire in his backyard this afternoon and then tried to stomp it out while wearing flipflops was taken to a nearby hospital with burns on his feet, a fire official said.
The unidentified man, who is in his 20s, had lit an old Christmas tree on fire around noon, said firefighter Scott Klosterhoff of the Frankford Fire Department in Sussex County.
Flames jumped to nearby trees at the Clymiss Road home, burning an area approximately 100 feet by 100 feet, Klosterhoff said.
The fire was brought under control about 15 minutes later with the help of two neighboring departments.
The victim was taken to St. Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston with minor burns. It was unclear why he was burning the tree.

Jason's snark: Genius. Pure genius. It's the Christmas gift that keeps on giving. I don't think Santa likes BBQ foot.

One tough beauty queen

2007-04-21T06:24:00.000-06:00

From The Cincinnati Enquirer

Venus Ramey has earned lots of fame in her 82 years.
She was Miss America 1944 and later a candidate for Cincinnati City Council and worked to save Over-the-Rhine's historic buildings. She performed on Broadway and in movies.
Now, though, she's in the news for another reason.
After confronting a man she said was stealing from her Kentucky farm, Ramey pulled out a gun and shot out a tire on his truck so he couldn't leave, allowing police to arrest him and two others.
"He was probably wetting his pants," Ramey said Thursday from her home in Waynesburg, about 140 miles south of Cincinnati.
Ramey was on her Lincoln County farm last week - "Friday the 13th, apropos date, isn't it?" she noted Thursday - feeding a horse when she saw her dog run to a nearby building where she stores old steel-shaping machines, lathes and other equipment.
"This stuff is over 100 years old," she said.
For some time, thieves had been breaking into the building to steal the machines to sell for scrap. She hadn't been able to catch anyone in the act until last week.
She drove over to the building and blocked the truck sitting there.
When she asked a man what he was doing, he replied "scrapping," and said he would leave.
"I said, 'Oh, no you won't,' and I shot their tires so they couldn't leave," Ramey said.
She had to balance on her walking stick as she pulled out a snub-nosed .38-caliber handgun.
"I didn't even think twice. I just went and did it. If they'd even dared come close to me, they'd be 6 feet under by now."
Ramey then tried to flag down people driving by. When one stopped, she asked them to call 911. Eventually, three people were arrested - one at the scene and two others walking on a nearby road.
"They've been stealing from me for years. Those good-for-nothing slobs," she said.
Ramey, who lived in Cincinnati on and off for about 30 years, admitted that she is known for taking chances for what she believes in.
After moving to Cincinnati from Kentucky when she was 14, she went to Withrow High before returning to Kentucky.
She wanted to be in show business, so she moved back to Cincinnati and took different jobs before working as a showgirl at the Beverly Hills Supper Club. That led to other work that got her discovered.
Eventually, she found her way to Washington, D.C., where she won a beauty contest and, in 1944, was crowned Miss America, representing the District of Columbia.

Jason's snark: Now that's one tough grandma. Go granny go!

In dispute about donkey doo and noise, man brings animal to testify

2007-04-20T08:14:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

DALLAS — Faced with complaints that his donkey was too loud, attorney Gregory Shamoun decided to bring his case directly to the court: He had the donkey testify. Buddy the donkey appeared in court Wednesday. He walked to the bench and stared at the jury, the picture of a gentle, well-mannered creature and not the loud, aggressive animal he had been accused of being. Shamoun was in a dispute with oilman John Cantrell, who had complained to the city about a storage shed Shamoun was building in his backyard in Dallas. Cantrell said Shamoun retaliated by bringing the donkey from his ranch and putting him in the backyard. Cantrell complained of donkey noise and manure piles. ‘‘They bray a lot any time day or night. You never know when they’re going to cut loose,’’ he testified. Despite the donkey’s appearance, neither jurors or Buddy had the last say — the neighbors settled their dispute while jurors deliberated.

Jason's snark: Another jackass put on the stand. Sounds kinda like a senate committee hearing.

Mystery animals roaming northeast Ohio woods

2007-04-20T08:09:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

CHESTERLAND, Ohio — Is it a goat? Is it a sheep? No, it’s a ... what is that thing? Wildlife experts haven’t been able to positively identify at least three animals spotted roaming the woods in Chester Township, about 20 miles east of Cleveland, over the past few months. ‘‘We’re not exactly sure what they are,’’ said Allen Lea of the Ohio Division of Wildlife, which has reviewed photos taken by a resident. ‘‘But they’re definitely not a native species. They’re not where they belong.’’ Police have received calls from residents offering varying descriptions, with possible IDs including bighorn sheep and wild goat. Sal LaPuma, an avid outdoorsman, said he recently got within 30 feet of one of the animals before it ran away. ‘‘The moment I saw it, I knew it was out of place,’’ he said. Sgt. Debbie Davis said her Internet searches have failed to identify the ‘‘half deer, half ram’’ she has seen while on patrol. Experts at the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo reviewed the photos and speculated the animals could be tahrs (a wild goat indigenous to Asia) or mouflons (a wild sheep found in Europe and Asia). Officials believe the animals could have been dumped by their owner or escaped from captivity, although nobody has filed a missing-animal report, township police Chief Mark Purchase said. He said there were no plans to trap the animals. ‘‘We’re not looking to run them out,’’ Purchase said. ‘‘But we would like to know what they are.’’

Jason's snark: Great, now Ohio is importing our chupacabras. Next they'll want our jackalopes. I blame Drew Carey.

Stumpy the duck loses one of his four legs

2007-04-19T18:34:00.000-06:00

From The Daily Echo

Stumpy, the Hampshire duck which became famous around the world after being born with four legs, has lost one of its extra limbs after getting caught in its pen.
Stumpy caught the media's attention worldwide after it was born at the Warrawee Duck Farm in the New Forest on February 7. After catching one of its extra limbs in its special pen, the duck is now down to only three legs. However, the accident has led to a positive outcome for Stumpy, because now it can roam the farm free with the other ducks because it is no longer at risk of being caught in hedges, which could have put its life in danger.
Farm owner Nicky Janaway said: "He's now only got three legs and a stump which means he's Stumpy by name and stumpy by nature.
"He got the leg caught in the pen fencing, he clean snapped it but he had no idea anything had happened so he may not have had any sensation in it.
"We whisked him off to the vet who finished off what he had started and cleaned it up.
"The good thing that has come out of it is that he can now roam the farm and he and his girlfriend duck Alice are harassing the others.
"It has given him his freedom because if he had got his leg stuck in a hedge like he did in the pen, I would never have found him. The other leg is tucked up so it has no chance of getting stuck."
Mrs. Janaway said she was gobsmacked when she first turned Stumpy over after it hatched to find out its sex and was confronted by all those legs.
She said: "It was absolutely bizarre. I was thinking 'he's got too many legs' and I kept counting '1,2,3,4'."
The mutation is rare but cases have been recorded across the world.
One duckling called Jake was born in Queensland in Australia in 2002 with four legs but he died soon after.

Jason's snark: Dang dang dang, I asked you guys where I left that orange sauce and no one has found it yet! Oh, yeah, and by the way, what the heck is "gobsmacked?"

Cigs save lives

2007-04-18T18:34:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

ROCK HILL, S.C. — Smoking just might have saved Brenda Comer’s life. She said she had just finished washing dishes Monday and stepped outside to smoke a cigarette when an 80-foot oak tree crashed through her roof, landing across the sink where she had been standing just seconds before.
‘‘Honey, I know you fuss at me for smoking,’’ Comer said she told her husband. ‘‘But today it saved my life.’’ The tree, felled by strong wind, also missed the couple’s adult daughter, who was at the other end of the house. The family’s insurance agent said they could not live there after the tree cut the kitchen and living room in half, scattering the contents of the kitchen cabinets.
‘‘I looked down and saw a bottle with two pills,’’ Comer said. ‘‘I thought, ’Well, I have a headache, and there’s two Excedrin.’’’

Jason's snark: See? I told you those warnings were blown all out of proportion! I'll be back in five minutes.

Belgrade horses to be drugged for Stones gig

2007-04-18T18:29:00.000-06:00

From Reuters via The Associated Press

BELGRADE - A plan to sedate more than 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert there has enraged Serb animal lovers who are lobbying to have the gig moved to another venue.
The concert is expected to draw more than 100,000 people to the Hippodrome, Belgrade's largest fenced space. The horses will be only a few meters from the stage.
"Horses differ, the same as people. Some are more nervous, more skittish," said hostler Jovanka Prelic. "If they get too nervous or start to panic during the concert, they'll get sedatives."
Serbia's biggest animal protection society, ORCA, says holding the concert there would be extremely harmful to the horses, and sedating them is not the answer.
"Research has shown that noise and vibrations are the strongest causes of stress to animals," Elvir Burazerovic, head of ORCA, told Reuters.
"Surely our big city has enough open spaces where even 150,000 people can fit in. We think the Hippodrome should be left to horses," he said.
The sedative would be diazepam. In Serbia it trades under the name Bensedin, a very popular drug during the 78 days of NATO air strikes in 1999, when much of Belgrade's adult population was on tranquilizers.
ORCA said that if it failed to convince the organizers to change the concert venue, it would contact the Rolling Stones directly and ask them to use their influence.
"I believe we'll succeed since such a reputable band will not allow such a stain on its record," Burazerovic said.

Jason's snark: Hey, man, it's a 'Stones concert. The horses should be sedated. You know the band's gonna be.

Arizona man sentenced for shooting at firefighters who refused to remove his cat from a tree

2007-04-18T18:25:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

KINGMAN, Ariz. -- A man who shot at firefighters after they refused to get his cat out of a tree has been sentenced to five months in jail. Jeffrey Francis Cullen, 59, of Kingman, reported a tree fire on Aug. 17. Once the three-person crew arrived, Cullen told them he wanted his cat rescued from the tree. Hualapai Valley Fire Department spokeswoman Sandy Edwards said a battalion chief told Cullen to call animal control or to wait for the cat to get hungry and come down. The response apparently incensed Cullen, who retrieved a small handgun from his home and came out shooting. The firefighters fled, taking with them a 12-year-old boy who had come to see their fire truck. Nobody was shot. Cullen admitted to deputies after his arrest that he had been drinking. Cullen was ordered on intensive probation for five years as part of his sentence, handed down Friday. He had faced up to three years and six months on each count, which would have been served concurrently.

Jason's snark: In other news, somewhere in Arizona a very smug kitty is laughing so hard he's horking up a fur ball. That'll teach the owner to clean out the litter box.

Coyote caught in downtown Detroit pregnant

2007-04-18T18:23:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

A cagey urban coyote that eluded authorities in a nearly hourlong foot chase through downtown Detroit is expecting. An animal rehabilitator licensed by the Michigan Department of Natural Resources discovered the pregnancy while running medical tests for the Michigan Humane Society, the Detroit Free Press reported Wednesday. The female coyote led two animal protection officials and Detroit police on a chase past a federal courthouse and beneath parked cars before heading toward the Detroit River. The coyote was spared euthanasia April 11 when the Humane Society took custody of the animal. On Monday, the coyote was released into the wilds of northeast Oakland County to give birth. Coyotes are found throughout Michigan but are most abundant in the northern parts of the state.

Jason's snark: Yeah, but was the coyote carrying a one ton anvil from ACME?

Seattle Man Charged in Bizarre Duck Case

2007-04-17T06:54:00.000-06:00

From 1010 WINS

A Seattle man has been charged with a slew of crimes that involved an alleged shoplifting, assaults and a pet duck named Mr. Peepers. Snohomish County Deputy Prosecutor Paul Stern on Thursday charged Kenneth Blaine Quinlan, 35, with two counts of third-degree assault and one count each of vehicular assault and hit-and-run.
Authorities say that on March 23, Quinlan and his 39-year-old girlfriend drove to a Lynnwood shopping center, where he entered a Linens 'n Things outlet and she went into a Petco store, taking the duck with her.
Stern wrote in court papers that a security guard thought he saw Quinlan shoplift an iPod speaker system, and a scuffle ensued.
Police say the guard chased Quinlan to the Petco store, where Quinlan got the car keys from his girlfriend and tried to escape.
The man jumped into the driver's seat of the car as the woman walked out of the store with her duck. Not knowing what was going on, she tried to stop him from driving away and was knocked down by the open car door as it backed up. She dropped the duck.
A Petco employee saw what was happening and "ran to save Peepers from the front of the car" just as Quinlan drove forward, Stern wrote. The car ran over the woman, inflicting serious injuries including broken bones in her foot and ankle, he said.
Charging papers say Quinlan continued driving and didn't stop until his vehicle struck another car nearby.
The girlfriend and guard were not seriously hurt. Mr. Peepers was OK.
Quinlan was being held in the Snohomish County Jail in lieu of $25,000 bail. A convicted felon and former heroin addict, he told officers that he'd just received a dose of methadone at a Lynnwood clinic and had used cocaine a few days earlier, according to court papers.

Jason's snark: Brought to you just because we love ducks. Now where'd I leave that orange sauce.

Fla. man picks jail lot for smash-and-grab

2007-04-17T06:39:00.000-06:00

From Florida Today

A West Palm Beach man really wanted to go to jail, and he got his wish after he broke into a van in the jail's parking lot and stole a deputy's purse, authorities said.Bradley Charles Barbier, 23, called the Martin County jail Thursday evening to say he was coming in to serve a weekend sentence, sheriff's spokeswoman Jenell Atlas said.Jail officials told him he wasn't scheduled to turn himself in, but he showed up anyway.Barbier was being "loud and rude," Atlas said. The man left after jail officials threatened to lock him up.A deputy reported seeing Barbier outside the jail about three hours later, according to a report. He appeared to be intoxicated. The deputy told him to leave, but he said he was waiting for a ride, the report stated.Barbier later told another deputy that he was waiting for his girlfriend, who was in the jail visiting someone. He said he needed to get into her car because she had locked the keys inside.He pointed to a white van, and the deputy noticed that the passenger window had been smashed out. The glove box was empty, and a purse was sitting under a tree where Barbier had been, according to the report.The purse and vehicle belonged to a deputy. Barbier was charged with burglary, theft and criminal mischief. He still was being held today on a $10,750 bond."We always appreciate when they come right to us," Atlas said.

Jason's snark: Someone needs to tell this guy there are easier ways to get a date with a 300 pound biker named "Bubbles."

Firestation in flames while firefighters out

2007-04-16T05:59:00.000-06:00

From News4Jax.com

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- Jacksonville firefighters returned from an emergency call on Saturday to find a blaze in their own station, according to authorities.
District Fire Chief Randy Wyse said the firefighters left a stove on in Station 17 when they rushed out to answer a call Saturday night.
The fire damaged the kitchen and parts of the firefighters' sleeping quarters.
Officials said they were not sure how much the damage would cost.
The station is now temporarily closed.

Jason's Snark: Oops. Wasn't this an episode of King of the Hill?

Afternoon snack sets driver on fire

2007-04-13T06:21:00.000-06:00

From iol.co.za

A lorry driver from Germany set fire to his cab after deciding to cook himself some sausages while driving.Walter Reckling, 46, kept the small gas cooker for roadside use but because he was late for a delivery he decided to use it on the road.He was cooking two sausages while travelling past Niederwuerschnitz in Saxony, Germany, when the cooker toppled over.It set fire to the seat which in turn set fire to the cab of the vehicle.Reckling was treated for smoke inhalation at a local hospital where he was also found to have been three times over the legal alcohol limit.

Jason's snark: That's the last time I get hacked off at someone talking on a cell phone while driving.

DIY nailgun injuries rise

2007-04-13T06:03:00.000-06:00

From CNN.com

Take a nation of do-it-yourselfers, add a ready supply of cheap nailguns and what do you get? About 37,000 nailgun injuries a year, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Since 1991, nailgun injuries have risen about 200 percent, the CDC said in its weekly report on death and disease.
"This increase likely corresponds to an increase in availability during the 1990s of inexpensive pneumatic nail guns and air compressors (to power the nail guns) in home hardware stores; however, no sales data are available for confirmation," the CDC reported.
But when the CDC looked at who was getting injured, it became clear that the number of work-related nailgun injuries had stayed stable since 1998. It was consumer-related injuries that had soared.
"During the 5-year period 2001-2005, an average of approximately 37,000 patients with injuries related to nail-gun use were treated annually in emergency departments, with 40 percent of injuries occurring among consumers," the report read.
Emergency departments treated three times as many consumers with nail-gun injuries in 2005 as they did in 1991, the report noted.
The CDC said more needs to be done to make consumers aware of the dangers.

Jason's snark: Dangers? What dangers? Heck, I'm using a nailgun right now to get the wax out of my earAGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Minnesota jail guard suspended after inmate is hit with a Bible

2007-04-12T20:01:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

MANKATO, Minn. — A jail guard has been suspended after allegedly thumping an inmate with a Bible. James Lee Sheppard, 56, has been charged with two gross misdemeanors for allegedly swatting a Blue Earth County Jail inmate with the book, grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against steel bars on Feb. 8, according to the criminal complaint. A video shows a guard entering the cell of inmate Jeremy Hansen, 26. The guard then takes Hansen’s Bible and strikes him in the side of the face with the book. The two exchange words as the guard walks away, said Mankato Police Officer Allen Schmidt who watched the video. The rest of the confrontation was not captured on video because of an object obstructing the camera. But the complaint states that Sheppard walked back toward Hansen, grabbed him and pushed him into the cell bars. Dennis McCoy, Blue Earth County administrator, said Sheppard was the first to report the confrontation. ‘‘He knew he violated policy and, to his credit, he turned himself in,’’ McCoy said. Sheppard declined to comment to The Associated Press. He referred calls to St. Paul attorney Brent LaSalle, who said Thursday that he had not been retained by Sheppard and so couldn’t speak on the guard’s behalf. Sheppard, who was not jailed, is on leave pending further investigation. He is scheduled to appear in Brown County court April 26 on charges of mistreatment of an inmate and misconduct by a public officer.

Jason's snark: Divine intervention? Hmmmmm.

Police: Purse snatching suspect caught hiding in portable toilet

2007-04-12T19:59:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

MOUNDSVILLE, W.Va. — Police looking for a purse snatcher were able to flush the suspect out from the portable toilet where he was hiding. ‘‘A Port-A-Potty is not a good place to hide,’’ police Chief James Kudlak said Wednesday. ‘‘There’s only one way out.’’ Johnny Snodgrass, 21, apparently matched the description of a man caught on videotape at a store where an 89-year-old woman’s purse was stolen in March and from a nearby video poker establishment where her wallet was found, police said. The thief got away with about $45. Acting on a tip, police went to a construction site where Snodgrass was working on Monday to question him, but he ran into the portable restroom. Officers yelled for him to come out and he soon complied, police said. Snodgrass was being in jail on $5,000 bond on Wednesday. He’s scheduled to appear before a magistrate on April 25. Kudlak said Snodgrass claims he is innocent. Court officials said Snodgrass did not yet have an attorney.

Jason's snark: Way to wipe up the competition, bro.

Suspect loses leg trying to escape from police

2007-04-11T18:04:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

POMONA, Calif. — A man accused of using a chain and pickup truck to yank a 1,500-pound ATM from a market failed to escape police when his prosthetic leg fell off during the getaway. Gregory Daniels, 48, was arrested Tuesday on suspicion of burglary for the attempted heist from Pomona Ranch Market, police said. Authorities say Daniels and another man drove up to the market about 3 a.m., smashed a window, wrapped a chain around the ATM and used the pickup to rip it from the floor. After loading the cash machine into the truck, the pair drove off. Officers chased the truck into a residential neighborhood, where the men drove into a dead-end street. Daniels’ alleged accomplice fled, but police said Daniels wasn’t able to escape. ‘‘Daniels was on the ground near the vehicle in an attempt to flee from officers,’’ Sgt. E. Vazquez said. ‘‘However, he was unsuccessful, as his prosthetic leg fell off.’’ The ATM and its cash were recovered. The assistant manager of the Pomona Ranch Market, Tom Zvoda, said he didn’t know how much money was inside.

Jason's snark: This guy could use a leg up on his criminal career.

Settlement paid in pennies

2007-04-11T18:02:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

HOWELL TOWNSHIP, Mich. — A penny saved is a penny earned, but one man believes 33,500 pennies won are best donated to a worthy cause. Bob Wilson, who won a small claims court case last month, will donate the pennies to the Oakland Livingston Human Service Agency, which has helped him with heating bills. Wilson was given the pennies by Karl Stepen, owner of NSK Motorsports in Fowlerville, after a judge ruled in Wilson’s favor and awarded him $335. Stepen said he paid Wilson in pennies to show his contempt for Wilson. ‘‘We paid him in legal U.S. currency,’’ Stepen said. Wilson said he bought a dirt bike for his 13-year-old son and took it NSK in May to get it running. He didn’t get the bike back until October, and he said it stopped working almost immediately. He took the bike back to NSK and it sat unfixed for a few more months. He picked it up and took it to another shop, which charged him $900, he said. Stepen said he had the bike ‘‘for some time,’’ but he’s a one-man operation with as many as 70 motorcycles waiting to be repaired. He said he did everything he could to help Wilson with the 30-year-old bike and offered to fix a second problem for free. District Judge Theresa Brennan, who handled the appeal for Wilson’s claim, said she’s never heard of someone paying the court in pennies in her 22 years of practicing law. Still, she said, it’s legal: ‘‘We don’t dictate the form of payment.’’

Jason's snark: Find a penny, pick it up, get a hernia, buy a truck!

Woman: Police pot-shot my precious porkers

2007-04-11T05:49:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

TULAROSA, N.M. — Leanne Barkemeyer has taken care of pigs nearly all her life, but she has a few less now that Otero County sheriff’s deputies shot eight pigs that were on her property.
Barkemeyer said the deputies didn’t have permission to shoot the animals, but authorities said Barkemeyer was having trouble keeping the pigs in line. She had more than 20 pigs on her land in Tularosa.
‘‘She stated that she could no longer take care of the animals, that we needed to do what we needed to do with them,’’ Undersheriff Norbert Sanchez told Albuquerque television station KOAT.
Authorities said one of the pigs charged at a deputy last Thursday, sparking the shooting. Sanchez said the sheriff’s office has since learned about an out-of-state sanctuary where people can send pigs they can no longer care for. He added that deputies don’t want a repeat of last week’s incident.
‘‘I hope it helps,’’ Barkemeyer said, referring to the sanctuary. Barkemeyer had faced charges for having the pigs on her property, but she said a judge has dismissed the case.

Jason's snark: You know, pig-on-pig violence just demeans us all. So, I guess we're having pork chops at the policemen's ball this year? I'll bring the applesauce!

Pipe fitter comes armed with funeral plans

2007-04-11T05:43:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Retired pipefitter, Army veteran and cancer survivor Russell Parsons says he’s not afraid to die — and he’s got the tattoo to prove it.
Inside the yellow and orange flaming tattoo on his right arm are instructions to the funeral home where he has a prepaid cremation: ‘‘Barlow Bonsall cook 1700-1800 for 2 to 3 hours.’’
‘‘It’s a recipe,’’ the 67-year-old widower from Hurricane said. ‘‘It’s a recipe for cremation.’’ Barlow Bonsall Funeral Home and Crematorium manager Linda Wilson said she thought Parsons was joking several weeks ago when he said he was going to have his final wishes tattooed on his arm.
‘‘I never thought he would actually do it,’’ she said Tuesday. She wasn’t the only one. Parsons said the tattoo artist who gave him his first and only tattoo said his request was among the craziest he’d ever received in 22 years.
‘‘I told him, ’Well, take a look because I’m one of a kind.’’’ Parsons, who survived a brush with cancer in 1999 and still deals with injuries from his Army service, said not everyone understands his attitudes about life and death.
‘‘I’m not afraid of death. I’m afraid of life,’’ he said. ‘‘I’m afraid of living and not being able to take care of myself.’’

Guest snark from co-worker and good buddy Tracy: "People are so strange." True dat, Tracy, true dat.

Naked woman shot by cop

2007-04-10T06:48:00.000-06:00

From Santa Cruz Sentinel.com

A woman who was shot by a Watsonville police officer Saturday morning is in County Jail facing charges of assault with a deadly weapon, hit-and-run and auto theft.
Lisa Isidro, 35, of Miles Lane in Watsonville, was arrested about 6:45 a.m. Saturday after a struggle with police officer Randy Pecse that ended in her being shot in the left biceps and then crashing the officer's patrol car into another car and a fence.
Police came upon Isidro when they responded to a call of a couple arguing after an all-night party. While an officer talked with Isidro's boyfriend, she ran out into the street naked, swinging her purse, and confronted Pecse, according to police Capt. Manny Solano.
"She went out into the street in a crazed state," Solano said. "She had a lit cigarette, which she began to chew on the burning end. [Pecse] knew then he was dealing with someone who was possibly under the influence of a controlled substance"
In an attempt to subdue the woman, Pecse used pepper spray, but she slipped his grasp and slid into his patrol car, which was nearby with the door open. She began gunning the engine and drove the car toward Pecse, who fired one round into her bicep, Solano said.
Isidro drove about a block before she drove the car into another vehicle and into a fence. She was treated for her injuries and released and booked in County Jail.

Jason's snark: Wow, nekkid lady, chawing on the business end of a lit cig, stealing a cop car after an all-night party, and the officer realized he was dealing with a druggie? That's some fine detective work there! Promote that man to chief!

Text impulse leads to marriage

2007-04-10T06:39:00.000-06:00

From news.com.au

A British man has met and married a 22-year-old woman after, by his own account, dreaming of her phone number and then sending her a text message.
David Brown, 24, said he woke up one morning after a night out with friends with a telephone number constantly running through his head. He decided to contact it, sending a message saying "Did I meet you last night?" Random recipient Michelle Kitson was confused and wary at first but decided to reply and the two began exchanging messages. Eventually they met and fell in love. "It was really weird but I was absolutely hooked," Kitson told the Daily Mail newspaper. "My mum and dad kept saying 'But he could be an axe murderer', but I knew there was something special about it." After a long courtship, the oddly matched couple - he's six foot seven inches tall and she's five foot four - have just returned from their honeymoon in the Indian resort of Goa. A love-struck Brown said: "I've no idea how I ended up with her number in my head - it's only a few digits different from mine."

Jason's snark: I wonder how long until sleep stalking is a crime?

Stampede over magic amulet turns deadly

2007-04-10T06:34:00.000-06:00

From The Washington Post

BANGKOK, Thailand -- A crowd of thousands waiting to buy purportedly magical amulets erupted into a stampede that killed one woman and injured dozens Monday, police said.
More than 10,000 people had camped overnight outside a school to buy the Jatukam Ramathep amulets, which have gained a huge following in recent months for what are believed to be their magical qualities.
Thais crowd at the stairs of an auditorium at a school as they compete to buy amulets in Nakhon Si Thammarat province, southern Thailand Monday, April 9, 2007. A 50-year-old woman was killed and dozens of people injured when the crowd stampeded during a sale of a popular talisman supposed to bring good fortune.
The 50-year-old woman was trampled when the crowd rushed the school gates Monday morning, said police Lt. Suriyon Kaemthong, a police lieutenant in Nakhon Si Thammarat province, 360 miles south of Bangkok.
Many Thais carry or wear amulets for good luck. The amulets usually show images associated with Buddhism - the religion of most Thais - though amulets are not formally part of its doctrine. There is a large collectors' market, and rare amulets reportedly command prices of more than $30,000.
The Jatukam Ramathep amulets are round, ranging in size from a penny to a silver dollar, and come in a variety of colors, including bronze, silver and clay.
They're named after a Brahmin deity, the skilled warrior prince of an ancient Southern Thai kingdom who is depicted on the amulet in a seated position. People believe the amulet can bring good luck, and protect them from evil and violent attacks including gunshots and knife wounds.

Jason's snark: Harry Potter is wanted for questioning, evades arrest with cloak of invisibility.

Ex-IRS employee charged in store scam

2007-04-07T08:36:00.000-06:00

From The Associate Press via Portland Press Herald/Maine Today

BOSTON - Federal prosecutors say Robert Dooley had an unusual way of persuading Home Depot clerks that he could be trusted when returning stolen merchandise for store credit cards: He flashed his Internal Revenue Service identification badge.
Over the course of three years, Dooley allegedly stole more than $330,000 from the home improvement chain by returning stolen goods for the credit cards, then selling the cards at a discount, court documents said. He was charged Thursday with 12 counts of wire fraud in connection with the scam.
Dooley has been serving a state sentence in connection with the Home Depot thefts since October 2005.
In court documents, prosecutors allege that between May 2002 and October 2005, Dooley stole more than 300 items from Home Depot stores in nine states and returned them for store credit. Dooley, 47, formerly of Salem, worked as a clerk at the IRS service center in Andover from February 2001 to September 2002.
Typically, prosecutors said, Dooley would visit a store, put several items in a shopping cart and take them to the return desk. He would tell the clerk he wanted to return the items, but didn't have a sales receipt.
Although Home Depot allowed people to return items without receipts, clerks required customers to show photo identification when doing so. Prosecutors said Dooley would show his IRS badge as proof of his identity and would sometimes tell the clerk that he was "trustworthy" because he worked for the IRS.
A spokesman for Atlanta-based Home Depot, Jerry Shields, said the company worked closely with law enforcement.
"The Home Depot is appreciative of the efficient work of the United States Attorney's Office, the Department of Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration and the various other law enforcement agencies," Shields said in a statement.
The wire fraud charges stem from the fact that each time Dooley returned an item he had not purchased, store credit information was transmitted by wire and stored electronically in a Home Depot computer server.
Dooley is accused of stealing merchandise from Home Depot stores in Massachusetts, Maine, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Vermont, New York, Rhode Island, Texas and Oklahoma. He was apprehended in October 2005 while attempting to return items he allegedly had stolen from a Home Depot store in Reading.
If convicted of the federal charges, Dooley faces up to 20 years in prison.

Jason's snark: Hmmmm, yeah. Our tax dollars at work.

Hatfield-McCoy feud blamed on ‘rage’ disease

2007-04-06T07:14:00.000-06:00

From MSNBC

A rare, genetic condition may have fueled violent tempers across generations. “The McCoy temperament is legendary. Whether or not we can blame it on genes, I don’t know,” said Ron McCoy, 43, of Durham, N.C., one of the organizers of the annual Hatfield-McCoy reunion. “There are a lot of underpinnings that are probably a more legitimate source of conflict.”
“There was a lot of inter-marrying” that could have played havoc with the gene pool, he conceded.
Another relative, Bo McCoy, of Waverly, Ohio, said he had never heard talk of the disease although he has been diagnosed with a different adrenal gland problem — Cushing’s syndrome. Even Reo Hatfield, who drafted the “truce” the two families famously signed in 2003 to officially end hostilities, doubted the role of the McCoys’ disease in the feud.
“I would be shocked” if doctors blamed it on illness, he said.

Jason's snark: "Now hold my jug o' corn-squeezins and hands me muh gun, sister-wife. We'll fix this here feud right up smart-like. May takes me a scatter shot at that doctorfied feller whilst I'm a-shootin."

Kitty saves the day

2007-04-05T18:28:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

An Indiana cat helped spare a family from death by carbon monoxide poisoning by jumping on the bed and meowing wildly as fumes filled the home, the owners said. Eric and Cathy Keesling said their 14-year-old cat, Winnie, played a crucial role in saving their lives March 24 after a gasoline-powered water pump in their basement caused the odorless but deadly gas to build up. About 1 a.m., the domestic shorthair began nudging Cathy’s ear and meowing loudly. ‘‘It was a crazy meow, almost like she was screaming,’’ said Cathy, who hesitated to get up until Winnie’s caterwauling and jumping persisted. When she finally climbed from bed, she realized she was nauseous and dizzy and couldn’t awaken her husband. Because he had undergone minor neck surgery the previous day, she decided to call 911 but was so disoriented she had trouble dialing. Paramedics found the couple’s 14-year-old son, Michael, unconscious on the floor near his bedroom. The Keeslings were taken from the home in oxygen masks, treated for carbon monoxide poisoning and soon recovered. Cathy Keesling said Winnie acted similarly last summer when tornadoes tore through the area, 45 miles east of Indianapolis. ‘‘I really believe cats can sense these kind of things,’’ she said.

Jason's snark: Tornadoes, carbon monoxide and the sound of a tuna can opening, three things sure to get a cat riled.

Wig-wearing firefighter nabbed in bikini

2007-04-05T18:23:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

A man wearing a woman’s wig and a string bikini was charged with taking a drunken afternoon romp through a park, officials said. Steven S. Cole, a 46-year-old volunteer firefighter, told an officer he was on his way to a Dayton. Ohio bar to perform as a woman in a contest offering a $10,000 prize, the arrest report said. He pleaded not guilty Thursday to charges of drunken driving, public indecency and disorderly conduct. Cole was arrested Tuesday after police received a report that an intoxicated man was walking and driving around Heritage Oak Park in Mason. Police said Cole was wearing a blond wig, pink flip-flops and a red-black-and-white striped bikini with the top filled out by tan water balloons. Cole’s blood-alcohol test registered 0.174, more than twice Ohio’s legal driving limit of 0.08, the arrest report said. ‘‘He is obviously humiliated and embarrassed by the entire situation,’’ said Cole’s lawyer, Charlie Rittgers, who added that he is investigating the circumstances that led to the arrest. Cole did not return a call seeking comment. He remained free on his own recognizance until trial, set for May 24. Cole has been a Wayne Township firefighter since 2000. Township officials said he will be placed on administrative leave.

Jason's snark: I didn't know Dolly Parton was volunteer fire fighter. And as a special treat, The Smoking Gun has some don't-miss pictures. Enjoy.

Big bunny baked for birthday banquet

2007-04-05T08:37:00.000-06:00

From Times Online

The offspring of the 12 giant rabbits were supposed to help to feed starving North Koreans. Now doubts about their fate have brought an abrupt halt to one of the more unlikely hunger-alleviating projects.
Karl Szmolinsky sold the rabbits to Pyongyang so that they could be used to set up a breeding program to boost meat production in North Korea.
However, amid concerns that they have been eaten by the country’s leaders, Szmolinsky will not be sending any more.
The 68-year-old German rabbit breeder had been due to travel to North Korea after Easter to provide advice on setting up a rabbit farm. A North Korean official called him last week to say that the trip had been cancelled. Mr Szmolinsky said he suspected that his rabbits, which grow to the size of dogs and can weigh over 22 pounds were eaten at a birthday banquet for Kim Jong Il, the North Korean leader, although he emphasised that he had no evidence of this.
“It’s an assumption, not an assertion,” Mr Szmolinsky said. “But I don’t think the animals are alive anymore, I think they’ve been eaten. North Korea won’t be getting any more rabbits from me, they don’t even need to bother asking."
The North Korean Embassy in Berlin denied that the rabbits were dead. A spokesman said that they were being used for a breeding program, and had not been eaten. He added that no one at the embassy had contacted Szmolinsky.
His rabbits can yield up to 15 pounds of meat each. In January Szmolinsk said that the rabbits were being kept in a petting zoo in Pyongyang pending his arrival and that he would be prepared to deliver some more to North Korea.

Jason's snark: You've got to click the link to see this big ol' bunny. Happy Easter. Now hand over all the salad and step away from those carrots if you know what's good for you.

Sub-loving coyote moves to 'burbs

2007-04-04T18:26:00.000-06:00

From The Chicago Tribune

Shoes and shirt not required in this lunchtime grazing spot.
The coyote that walked into a downtown Chicago sandwich shop Tuesday afternoon was released today onto a nine-acre private property in northwest suburban Barrington Hills where rabbits and mice – not subs and chips – will be his daily fare.
Officials were fairly confident he won't return downtown, but no one can be really sure. They named the animal "Adrian" after the employee of the city's Animal Care and Control department who watched him overnight. The animal spent the night quietly in the back of his cage, dining on cat food. This morning, he was taken to the Flint Creek Wildlife Rehabilitation refuge in Barrington, where he was examined before being released.
Adrian had startled customers of a Quiznos restaurant by walking in, past an open door, and plopping himself down in an open soda pop cooler. No humans were injured during the incident.
This morning, employees of the Quiznos visited the coyote, bringing him a prime rib sandwich on garlic bread. But Animal Care and Control veterinarians rejected the offering.
"I understand," Bina Patel, manager of the sandwich shop, said today. "There are no prime ribs out in the wild. It was nice having him as a guest. He just decided to walk in. He hung out in the refrigerator. We had two regular customers who just kept on eating."

Jason's snark: Yo, Adrian, toss me a sub. Yeah, one of those toasted roadrunner ones. Meep meep.

Zombie rocker just kidding

2007-04-04T08:25:00.000-06:00

From Starpulse News Blog

Rolling Stones rocker Keith Richards insists he never snorted his father's ashes - his recent comments were made in "jest." Richards can't believe people took him seriously after he told British music magazine NME he once snorted his dad Bert's ashes mixed with cocaine.
He said, "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared. "It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."
However, Richard's manager Jane Rose tells MTV that the hellraiser's comments were "said in jest. Can't believe anyone took (it) seriously."

Jason's snark: Yeah, 'cause sniffing paternal cremains is just so funny. Take your Geritol, Keith. Maybe with a Metamucil back.

Legendary rock zombie did what?

2007-04-03T18:16:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

Keith Richards has acknowledged consuming a raft of illegal substances in his time, but this may top them all. In comments published Tuesday, the 63-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist said he had snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine.
‘‘The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father,’’ Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME.
‘‘He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared,’’ he said. ‘‘... It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.’’
Richards’ father, Bert, died in 2002, at 84. Richards, one of rock’s legendary wild men, told the magazine that his survival was the result of luck, and advised young musicians against trying to emulate him.

Jason's snark: Sorry folks, this one just left me speechless. Snark amongst yourselves, if you're able.

What to do when a snake goes missing at Google? Search, of course!

2007-04-03T18:11:00.000-06:00

From The Associated Press

This was one search that you couldn’t just Google. An employee’s python went missing over the weekend in Google’s sprawling Manhattan office, sending search teams on an all-out snake hunt. The searchers scoured the complex for the 3-foot-long snake and finally found the serpent, known as Kaiser, on Monday night.
‘‘A snake was lost; it was not an April Fool’s joke. It was found last night,’’ Google spokeswoman Ellen West said Tuesday. ‘‘The snake has left the building.’’
She declined to reveal specifics about where in the office Kaiser was discovered. But a contributor to Google’s official blog wrote that the staff was told the snake was found ‘‘relaxing behind a cabinet.’’
And although West wouldn’t say how the snake made it to the office, she confirmed it belonged to a ‘‘Googler’’ and said the pet was now at its owner’s home.
The Google blog contributor, software engineer Dan Bentley, wrote that while some employees laughed about the situation, others stood away from walls and corners and the bathrooms were less crowded.
The fact that someone brought a snake into the building is not completely surprising, given Google’s laid-back culture. Dubbed the ‘‘Googleplex,’’ the Manhattan office of the Mountain View, Calif.-based company offers a relaxed workspace, built around a team concept that has people sharing offices and cubicles connected in groups. It also offers free food, massage therapy, yoga classes, and ski trips, according to Google’s jobs Web site.

Jason's snark: Well, that's one way to free up the johns.

Investing 101 with Capt. Kirk

2007-04-03T05:50:00.000-06:00

From Globeandmail.com

TORONTO — Making money may not have been a top priority for Captain James Kirk and his crew as they cruised through space on Star Trek, but the same can't be said for William Shatner when it comes to his civilian life.
During a 50-plus year acting career, Mr. Shatner has parlayed his most famous role into a money-making machine. His website is a one-stop shop for Trekkies, offering products such as signed Captain Kirk photos for $79.95, or a Kirk and Klingon Action Figure set on sale for $28.98.
Then there is the apparent draw of Mr. Shatner, who has no qualms when it comes to poking fun at himself. In recent decades, he has served as a pitchman for Loblaw Cos. Ltd.'s supermarkets, priceline.com's travel deals, DaimlerChrysler Canada Inc.'s cars, and Kellogg Co.'s All-Bran cereal.
At his latest appearance in Toronto Monday, helping Rogers Wireless Communications Inc. launch a new service for video calls over cellphones — how very Star Trekish — Mr. Shatner sat down and shared some of his views on the world of business. They include such tidbits as "don't buy anything that eats while you sleep."

Jason's snark: "Don't buy anything that eats while you sleep." Yeah, good advice. Beam up my savings, Scotty.

Judge agrees to let man change his name to 'Ynot Bubba'

2007-04-02T12:09:00.000-06:00

From the Las Cruces Sun-News

Justin Brady was asked what he wanted to be called and he politely responded, "Yes, Mr. Ynot Bubba."
On Monday, state Judicial District Court Judge Jerald Valentine granted Brady's request to legally change his name to Ynot Bubba.
Bubba said afterward he had no celebration plans, instead he planned to spend the day notifying people, like his insurance agent, of the name change.
Bubba, 43, a California native whose legal address is now Las Cruces, has worked as a truck driver for more than 20 years. He asked to change his name because he no longer had a relationship with his adoptive parents, the Bradys.
Bubba said he wanted his name to stand out and since some close to him had nicknamed him "Bubba" he decided why not change his name to Ynot Bubba.
Since his story first appeared in the Sun-News in mid-March, Bubba has received several interview requests.
"I don't know what the big deal is," Bubba said when he learned of the interest in his story. "It's just a name."
Bubba had also considered Lacon Marlboro or More Chek as potential names.

Jason's snark: Man, I can't tell you how exciting it is to have the first post from our own paper! I love it when oddities fall in our own back yard. Hey, Ynot?